Here.
This is where I sit, on the slanted slats of my friend Christrina's roof.
It's 3:02 AM on a Tuesday and 58 minutes ago it was my sixteenth birthday. That was yesterday. This is a whole new day. The thick dizzying smell of THC floats around me, through my nose, probably lingering on my skin, nauseating ever inch of me. My head hurts and I feel weak. I'm tired and for the past couple of weeks I've always felt as if I had a fever. This only makes me feel like puking even more. Kylie, Chris and Angela. Girls who I thought of as beautiful and innocent. Bright and sweet. Incredible and fun. Once again I begin to feel sick. And Im not even smoking.
I just lied to Kylie. For the third time she looked at me and said "Theresa, you look disappointed in me...", when she says this, she says it with her pupils four times their actual size. Her eyes, full of tears from taking in such a big hit. I look her in those big wet brown eyes and I know I don't want to lie to her. I know that it's wrong but I do it anyways. I suck it up, take a gulp that seems to get lodged in my throat and choke but a not so believable "No, no. I'm not." Now I know she's too smart for that. I know this because she's so close to me. I know her better than mostly anyone. So of course she protests, she tells me I'm lying.
The smoking continues, eventually, I loose the computer for a while. They're sitting around a pink lamp, playing guitar and beating a conga drum. All three of them, dozed, high, singing in sweet but raspy voices. This goes on for quite a while. I'm not joining in, I just sit. Watching. Waiting. For what, you may ask? For what I'm not completely sure.
I get the computer back after their done looking up chords to songs and their ready to get high again. But no, her brothers friends come outside. Hah, well guess what friends? They're all high too. Goody.
Look at me.
Sad little girl, filled to the brim with pretty little excuses.
Sweet little innocent fucking me.
Awesome.
Goody two shoes.
Paranoid little me.
I'm always afraid. I don't know how it would feel, what it would do to me. I know it's not that big of a deal. But what if I get a physical soon? They would find out that I've got weed in my blood. Or some shit. Whatever. Plus, sure, I've never had sex but I'm so frightened to get a physical. I mean Kylie recently had a physical and they went poking around in her vagina. Pardon me If I'd like to stay away from that but I'm always afraid for some reason mine is different. It's screwed up or some shit. That I'll end up with gonorrhea, syphilis, pregnancy, herpes, even if there's no way in hell that I could have gotten any of that. I'm always so scared that I have some form of cancer or blood problem. I ended up with a damned kidney infection. C'mon, what's next?
I'm sick of sitting around here with my not-so-innocent friends. Chris's older brother and these two girls and a few guys pl to go streaking. -___- No thanks.
I mean it sucks that I'm such a buzzkill but really, I'm just not ready yet. I'm too scared of the rest of the world already, what could happen to me without further risks. So now I ask...
Why risk it?
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